Yesterday was Ellie's first day at the babysitter. She was only there for half a day, so it wasn't too hard on me since I have left her at the church nursery or my sister's for a few hours before. She did pretty good. She didn't nap as long as usually, but she is getting used to a new environment, so that's to be expected.
But today she is going for a full day, and I'm a mess. I dropped her off at 6:30, like I will when I start back to work on Monday, and she was still sleeping in her car seat. It occurred to me when I got back in the car that she has never woken up without me there. I cried. My biggest worry with leaving her is that she will think I abandoned her. She will eventually learn that I always come back at the end of the day, but the thought of her thinking that I'm gone forever for just a day kills me. It is taking some real willpower not to go over there right now and pick her up.
It is also weighing on me that this is my last week at home with her, but I am sending her to the babysitter. I want her (and me) to get used to it before I'm not close to help if need be, but at the same time, I feel so guilty for sending her during our last few days together full-time. I am really trying to make the most of the time I have, and handing her over to someone else makes me feel terrible.
What I want more than anything is to be able to stay home with her and just be a mommy, but unfortunately that just isn't in the cards for the time being. Hopefully in the next year or two, but not right now. It has always been the plan for me to be a stay at home mom, but we knew when we found out we were expecting that it wasn't going to be possible right away. James is in grad school right now getting his master's in educational leadership so he can become a principal. Once that happens, I should be able to leave my job. Right now he is set to graduate in August next year. I am lucky to be a teacher though because I have many more vacation days than the average person to spend with her. I do love my job, but I love being home with her more.
Writing this post and trying to find pictures of her and me together has made me realize I need to spend more time in front of the camera instead of always behind it. That is the goal for the next few weeks.